Three years ago I was sitting in this same spot where I’m sitting right now as I write this.. and that was the very moment when I received the call that had changed me forever.
I remember gasping for air a millisecond after I heard the words “shongk, wara na si ruru..” (shongk, ruru is gone). For some reason, I didn’t take it as a joke or whatsoever. It was serious. Prior to getting the call, so many things were running on my mind as I eagerly waited for her to update me on how her trip with her childhood besties was going. The day before, I remember scrolling on all her posts repetitively. I’m a clingy girlpal but I try my best to not ruin moments for my girls. She didn’t leave my mind. For some reason I thought of her more than I ever did but how was I to know what it meant then? I’m only saying these things now because after she was gone, it all started making sense. And it’s excruciating even now as I recall. I struggle to construct my sentences on this venting.
Back to that moment when I received that call from my longtime AP – another beloved pillar in our circle. My whole body outrightly concluded as I heard those words being said to me. I remember believing shongker’s words right there and then but after I felt better from losing my sanity, I started ringing her phone and for some reason, my brain twisted the fact I’ve just heard and believed, into something just sort of a dream. “This must be untrue”, I said to myself. So I dialed her phone and rang it countless times until someone picked up. That one split second of a moment when someone picked it up felt like an hour of hope. It was Ruri’s mom, struggling to talk properly. “Auntie, auntie kumusta si Ruri? Okay ra sha? Asa si Ruri auntie?” (Auntie, how is Ruri? Is she alright? Where is she?) I eagerly asked forcing myself to sound as calm as possible even if I was horribly shaking. “Wala na sya, Joy.. Wala na si Ruanne, Joy.. Wala na ang akong anak.” (She’s gone, Joy. Ruanne is gone. My child is gone) I JUST DIED EVEN MORE. To hear her mom say those words was like my heart dying twice. I felt like I just faded away, I couldn’t say anything for a few seconds as I was still shaking. Then I said, “Auntie, basig maapas pa? Basig madala pa sha sa hospital? Basig ma OKay pa auntie???” (Maybe there’s still something we can do? Maybe she can still make it to the hospital?) Her voice struggling even more as she told me the details and how there is nothing we can do anymore. She’s gone and we just have to let her be. “GOD HELP ME THIS IS TOO MUCH PAIN PLEASE!!”, were the words consistently screaming inside my head over and over and over again.
My friendship with Ruri happened like magic. It was instant. It was effortless. It all started from that moment when my cousin came to my house in DC and introduced her to me as his girlfriend. As we talked I said to myself, “This girl is not just a pretty face. I can tell that she has a kind heart.” And it’s very rare for me to make a remark on people like that. Most of the people I meet in my life were also kind but their strong personalities surfaced more than their kindness. With her, it was her kindness that shone more and it resonated well with me. She was someone I instantly felt at ease. I knew right there and then that I found a friend I would never ever want to let go. For 2 years Ruri would stay for days and nights and would come to see me almost every weekend at my house. Those 2 years of friendship were nurtured and nourished in ways that were beyond how they’re normally done in my lifetime. And if you knew me in person, I am one to get so attached to people. I love building relationships. I stay for people let alone for those who fight as hard to also stay with me. I always looked forward to seeing her. I always wanted to see her every time she was in the city. It even got to the point that whenever her visits were only for a few hours, she’d let me know and tell me outright: “I can’t be there but I will come back for you another time. Please don’t ask me to stay because I can’t.” And then I would be sad but I eagerly wait for her return. Every time she comes over and leaves, I would get all teary-eyed. She and my husband would giggle at my clinginess. They always thought it was too funny that I would shed a tear each time.
Fast forward to the last time we saw each other before her passing. By that time I was already living in another city but I flew back just to see her and the rest of my friends. I was still attached to that city and still regarded it as my real home (see how I am with attachments?). I met her at the mall we both loved. It’s still crystal clear in my mind which spot of the mall we had our last talk, our last hug, and our final in-person farewell. It was the very first time we parted that I shed no tears at all. I happily said goodbye to her and said that I was looking forward to seeing her in March (2017), just a few months after that meeting. She was planning to come to visit my new home city and said that she’ll stay at my place just like the old times. YOU CAN TELL HOW EXCITED I WAS FOR THIS, which is why it was also VERY painful for me. I was looking forward to it and this time with a happy heart with an expectation at level 100%. The problem with me is that I feel too much. I get attached and that attachment sometimes tricks me into thinking there HAS to be NO END. But that’s NOT reality. NO ONE stays alive forever: we all die and it sucks because we’ll never move on from the loss. We just get used to their absence. If Christ did not save my soul, I would have nothing to look forward to in death. I would have lost my perspective altogether the day she was “taken away” from all of us who loved her here on earth. But thanks be to God that there is hope in the afterlife for those who believe and trust in Jesus Christ for the salvation of their souls. This is what keeps me going, in spite of heartaches, pains, losses and excruciating things of this life.
As soon as Ruri got into the bus she sent me very emotional messages. It was the very first time she went so emotional over me. She told me she was crying and that she couldn’t stop crying because she will miss me so much and that she loves me SO SO MUCH and oh LORD, recalling those moments right now feels like piercing my heart with a bunch of swords :'( I did not understand then why she was so emotional about it. This time I was the one who giggled and teased her of her clinginess. I told her it was funny how I didn’t even cry a tear this time and she’s bawling like crazy. I told her to stop crying and to look forward to the days we’ll be together again. “It’s just a few months from now, hey! Don’t be sad! You’ll be staying at my place and we’ll spend time as much as we can even if I have to 3rd-wheel when you go on dates!”, I said to her.
Days went by.. weeks.. it was barely a month before coming over to see me again. The day before that call, I prayed for her and thought of her. It was getting late that night I couldn’t stop thinking and wondering how well she was enjoying her time with her friends. “It must be nice and she must be so happy right now and I am happy for her”, I told myself. I went to bed after I said my prayers and woke up the next day eagerly waiting to see her next post. I figured she was traveling on the boat very early that day towards the island where they were going. That was her last post. I just waited.. and waited. I went on with my day. I was on the rooftop of our home with my dad pitting our phone’s camera performances to each other. I saw his one plant that stood so tall on a pot and said, “this plant is mine! I’ll take care of it from now on.” But dad laughed at me in his Cebuano intonation and told me, “Pataka man ka uy, patay na man na.” (you’re silly, that plant is dead!). But to me it looked SO ALIVE, more alive than the rest of his garden. I insisted on that this plant was mine and that he should do his best to revive it. Maybe cut a few inches or something, do those gardening magic tricks kind of a thing. But after I kept insisting, my dad got tired of me and said, REALLY there is nothing we can do. So I took a photo of it and posted it on my Instagram with the caption “rest in peace”. But I thought it felt too gloomy compared to any of my other posts so I removed the caption but after a little bit I thought, it doesn’t matter I’ll write it anyway. But this time I wrote it as “R.I.P+”. I can’t clearly recall how much time had passed that day but I do remember saying I had to go down to my room because someone wanted me to go down and situate myself around my husband, prepare a paper bag in case I’d hyperventilate as I pay attention to her call. Langlang my lifelong AP, Shongker as I also call her, really made sure that I was somehow in some way ready for the news. I felt nervous about that call but I had NO IDEA that it was going to be about her. In my mind I thought there must be some bad rumor (this is coming from a traumatic view) or something bad had happened to someone we were close to. BASTA, something of bad news but not one of death and certainly not one about Ruri.
My phone rang..
I picked it up..
[mostly translated into English]
Me: “Shongk?”
Her: “Shongk, where are you? Who are you with? What are you doing?”
Me: “I’m sitting here facing the window in our bedroom. What’s up?”
Her: “Where’s sunshine? Is he there with you? Are you feeling okay?”
Me: (heart pounding but tried to be calm) “Yes he’s here and I told him about your instruction.”
Her: “Okay (sighs) how am I going to say this.. (breathes deeply again taking her time).. Shongk, si Ruru.”
Me: “What about her??”
Her: “Shongk, si Ruru. Shongk, wara na si Ruru.” (shongk, ruru is gone)
………………………. (brief silence)
Then I wailed at the top of my lungs, “LORD, HELP ME THIS IS SO PAINFUL!!!!!!!” was all I could remember as the only words I’ve said in my head. I gasped for air. I couldn’t breathe. My body quickly responded to the hyperventilation, I couldn’t move my arms, my whole body stiffened up. I felt like I just died. I’ve never cried so loud my whole life everyone in the whole house could hear it. I lost my senses. I lost it, folks. I LOST IT COMPLETELY. For days and weeks, I didn’t step out of our room. I’d sit and cry at this same spot and look out the window. IT WAS BAD. I don’t even want to go down to details. Those were darkest moments of my life I NEVER thought would ever come but it did. That is how unpredictable life is.
As Ruri’s family and friends were spending days towards her burial, I stayed in the house, struggling to sleep, feeling very lost, feeling like I had died too. Nothing made sense to me anymore those times. I never thought it could be THIS painful to lose someone you love and cherish as a sister and a best friend. She’d always tell me I was her best friend, and that I was like a mother at the same time a younger sister. And in spite of my lack of expressiveness in this sense, to me, she was also in every way mine. It took so much prayer and begging God for help and strength before I decided that I will show up. I had to ask Langlang to send me a photo of her body inside the coffin to help me accept what I was about to see in person. I kept that message for days. Glimpsed at it little by little starting from the bottom of the picture. At first, just seeing the lower half of the photo when my husband would show it to me, I would cry outrageously and would curl up in bed in so much agony I couldn’t stand it. It was too hard. Those reactions I’ve had towards her passing was something I thought would only be possible when losing a family member. And yes she was, though not in blood but in spirit and by heart.
